I decided not to make a video about the end of eclipse season, today's lunar eclipse, but rather to write about something vulnerable and heartfelt. It's a personal way of looking at the eclipse, and the changes in my life over the last year, about finding love, connection, and transformation amidst gut wrenching grief.
On this full moon lunar eclipse taking place in Taurus today I’m reflecting a lot about my family/childhood home. Today, I’m leaning on the knowing that being human means that sometimes we get our hearts broken, and sometimes everything just isn’t okay, and that’s okay, and through all the heartache, on the other side, there’s a clearing made for more to come in life.
Eclipses have a way of reminding us to let things go, to make room for changes, often sudden changes. There are so many emotions I’ve felt since June of 2021 when my paternal grandmother died, and over the last 14 months specifically since having Covid and my mom passing away in Sept. of 2021. Their deaths triggered a lot of changes for me personally, but there’s more I’m grieving, especially over the last 6 months and that is my maternal grandparents home going up for sale.
This home has been in my family for 60 years. It is the house that built me. It’s the one place that was secure in my childhood, it’s the foundation, and over the last year the foundation that I was built on is up for sale. This eclipse in Taurus has a lot to do with our personal values, our roots and foundation, how we see ourselves, what we’re comfortable with, our internal rhythms, and how we provide for ourselves. It’s also triggering Scorpio themes during this Samhain portal and Scorpio season, as well as the nodes in Taurus and Scorpio currently. Scorpio representing birth, death, and rebirth, transformation and transmutation, alchemy, shared resources, and the unconscious territory all seems to come into play personally when I think about the changes my life has been experiencing.
When this house sells, the money that comes from it will be split between my aunt, my siblings, and me. There’s been every bit of turmoil and grief around this house selling that touch on very Taurus and Scorpio themes. Any time the pain of this last year is triggered, I remind myself that pain is inevitable and a part of life, change and loss are part of life, and so is grief. I don’t have to suffer endlessly though through grief. I can do things that help me to work through the pain, to focus on healing, and so I create. I turn pain to art, or in this case, collecting old photos.
Eclipses show us that there are natural endings in life that need to happen. Most of us are never really ready to let go of the things and people we love. Change isn’t often met with acceptance right away; we usually go through resistance at first and may even drag our feet till the very end. Eclipses teach us to surrender, grow, and change. These things we go through, when we have to say goodbye to certain parts of ourselves, certain places, or people that are important to us, they’re just moments in an entire lifetime, but sometimes these moments become part of shaping who we are, who we become, who we change into.
In the case of this home, it’s lasted lifetimes; it’s been in my family for generations. It’s welcomed babies, grandbabies, great grandbabies, its seen friends come and go, it’s held the tears of divorce, losses and deaths, and it’s a graveyard of pets for 60 years. It’s heard the laughter and joy that comes with graduations, birthdays, anniversaries, and holiday celebrations. It’s a kitchen sink where a mother turned grandmother; turned great grandmother has bathed or rather baptized so many babies in the “Country Village” way. It’s a backyard filled with memories of campouts and running through the sprinklers. It’s a front porch that has been like a mother’s lap, holding us and rocking us all as we go through the peaks and valleys of life.
There are new horizons for the members of this family and for new generations of this family that’ll never know this home, but such is life and the changes that come with it. For me, this home will forever be a part of my DNA, part of my lineage and part of my spirit.
The thing with Taurus is that time is a construct, and we learn that even with eclipses that move life along, Taurus reminds us that real change and more so acceptance has to unfold on its own. Scorpio shows us the emotional waters we sometimes have to be immersed in and truly feel our way through. The house hasn’t sold yet, but it will, when it’s meant to. I feel the very real internal weight of sorrow combined with the external pressures of life continuing to move forward, and I have to find a way to release expectations without losing hope, find a way to flow rather than resist, and that is very true of this eclipse and one of the lessons it brings with it.
I’ve felt like Humpty Dumpty that fell off the wall over the last year. I’m cracked all to hell, and it fucking hurts, but I’m wide open at the same time and I feel so much light and love pouring in over me. I’m grieving and aching, but I’m healing, rebuilding, and I’m changing. As part of my processing, I’ve been working with photographs and family history, something I’ve always enjoyed, but currently feels supportive and helpful. Kind of in a way when you rub a sore muscle and it hurts, but in a good way, that’s how going through old photos has been lately.
At times, I find myself holding my breath, my shoulders tense, and my eyes fixated somewhere as I either drift off in memories or can’t seem to let the tears fall. Other times, I just smile, going through all of the images. My family, on either side, is far from perfect, but I instantly connect in to the love, to my ancestors, to feeling part of something bigger than just me but part of me, and I feel gratitude, compassion, and authenticity in such a profound way that is releases old hurts. It’s like having a way to paddle through the deep, emotional waters.
As I sit through this slideshow, it barely scratches the surface of so many lives touched, of all the memories here in this home, but it’s highlighting a pivotal shift in my life. I learn that although my mother is physically gone, and this home is empty and will be sold eventually, and that I’m feeling uprooted by grief, I’ve never been more secure in who I am and what I’m connected to than I have in my whole life.
I’m being transformed, just as Scorpio season would see to it, as will this eclipse, and the current astrological nodes, just as life will have it, and time will have it. The tide is turning.
This year we decided to go with a mix of The Flintstones and Jurassic Park. I thought at first that Jack and I could dress as Ellie and Grant from Jurassic Park, but I really liked the idea of Fred and Wilma wit little dinos. The girls were set on being dinosaurs this year, and I couldn't be happier. I loved dinosaurs growing up, still do. Clara and especially Stella, both love dinosaurs, too. It's so fun to share a common love and interest with my girls.
These costumes are getting a lot of wear. As much as they love dressing up in princess dresses they also love playing as dinos. Dino Ranch and Dino Dana get a lot of replays in our home. We're all looking forward to the Jurassic Park sow coming through town this December.
Click pic to see full image.
My heart grew and was beating out of chest with joy, pride, excitement, and so much love for this kid during this ceremony. He has worked so hard and been through so much the last four years to get to this (personally and also socially and academically as all of these kids have been through over the last couple of years.) All of these kids graduating this year have overcome so much in the last few years to make it to graduation. Everything they've had to deal with while keeping up their GPA and navigating high school and their social lives online, hybrid, and in person.
Watching him graduate was also very healing and beneficial for me. I didn't have the opportunity to graduate. It was very upsetting to me for many, many years. However, watching my son, my firstborn, take his walk to get his diploma made me so proud to be his mom, and to see him have this wonderful opportunity. It was very touching for me as a parent but also for the inner kid/teenager in me, too.
Also, from public school to homeschool and back to public school as part of his academic journey, aside from how I feel about public school, it's truly been a beautiful thing to watch my son learn and grow, be challenged, enjoy learning, and even struggle at times and have to find his way through. He deserves every bit of this diploma.
It's been a blessing and a privilege to be his mom, his primary parent, and be there for him, and to get to see him develop into the young man he is now. It's very moving to watch your child graduate. Cheers to all the graduates and parents of the class of 2022!
Go out into this world and stay true to you, follow your heart, and build relationships with people, and you will find so much joy and purpose.
I love you, William. Congratulations!
It was very challenging to cram as much as I could into this video, and still there's so many wonderful and dear memories that didn't make it in. I had a few times making this that tears creeped up in the corners of my eyes, but a few days before his party on the 7th, I was finalizing it and the tears came and I couldn't hold them back.
I can't believe how fast it went. I learned so much being his mom over the last 18 years. William, my sweet firstborn, you made me a mom, on Mother's Day. Learning I was pregnant at 20 years old, I felt pretty uncertain about how I would take care of you and provide for you and give you everything I could, but I knew I would love you and do whatever it took. When you were born, and I saw your little face, I fell in love so fast, so hard, so completely.
You have been an amazing kid. Your imagination, curiosity, your goofiness, you brought a lot of joy. You cuddled me and wanted me to hold you until you were about 10/11 years old. You just have a kind heart. I remember one year you wanted to buy a coat for a girl at school that you saw standing in the snow, cold, without a coat. So we took you to get her a coat, and she was thankful, because her parents hadn't gotten her one. You were kind to the baby birds you found each spring out along the borders of the fields around our then budding neighborhood. We took care a quite a few and sent some to the rescue.
You worked so hard growing up. You helped with chores, worked on getting your black belt, and studied along with me to make the Idaho William videos. Sometimes, I was too hard on you. I wanted so much for you to know you're loved, supported, and to also be independent, graduate from school and be successful, to always have goals and go after what you dream about in life. I've always seen this massive potential in you. You rarely gave me gruff until you were about 12-14/15, and that's pretty normal, and then it shifted and you grew more on all levels and we started becoming friends.
Now, when I listen to you talk, it's so empathetic, so mature, so thoughtful, aside from your dark sense of humor. I know you doubt yourself a lot. I know you have had your own dragons to slay, thoughts of self-doubt, but honey, you're smart, intuitive, caring. You feel a lot and I know you think you struggle to feel, but I think you feel so much that it can be overwhelming at times. I've been witness to the big heart inside of you, I've been on the receiving end of the love you have. You're going to be okay, you're going to do well at whatever you decide to do going forward.
Keep your mind and heart open and connected to each other, keep a healthy sense of curiosity about yourself, others, life, and keep your body moving. Those are keys to success and joy. Ask your heart and listen, let it lead you. Your ego will try to protect you, but your heart always knows what's best for you. You have turned out to be such a amazing young man, and I'm looking forward to watching you grow into your adult years now. I'm always here for you. I'm always going to love you and believe in you.
2006 vs 2022
A little over 18m vs. a week from turning 18.
I know it goes fast. I was told it goes fast. I tried so much to grasp how fast it goes and to soak it all in, but damn it's warp speed with kids.
Hug your babies.
No matter how old they are.
Dancing like it's nobody's business.
This is how it goes when I want a nice photo of me with the kids.
Photos of William with his girlfriend Emma.
Click pic to expand below.
I've waited yet another month to go skating. My broken toe isn't healing. It's bumming me out. I've been off my skates truly since August, but even before that I struggled from the hip injury. Then having Covid, mom dying, broken toe, sick over and over since having Covid, it's been a nightmare for me not being able to skate.
I know, it sounds like I'm complaining and I am a little. It's been so damn rough. Skating is such a huge relief for me. It's meditative and therapeutic. The whole last year has been a bust, and more so since last August.
Anyways, insurance won't cover the ultrasound frequency device I need to help my bone heal. My toe is rotating and aches a lot, the fracture is really wonky and not healing. When insurance stated they won't cover it, and I've spent months trying to let it heal and stay off of it, I decided this month to just say, "screw it."
I'm going to get back to skating. Even if it hurts. Even though I'm not very stable on my skates because of my toe. I can't put a lot of weight on it and it's changing my foot placement when I skate.
It's messed up. Okay, venting done.
What's more important is that I got back on wheels and it felt so good mentally! So yeah, screw it. I'm just going to deal with the pain and push through, because I freaking love skating.
Love over pain. Passion over low quality woe emotions. I got this, and something's gotta give at some point, so until then I skate as best as I can, when I can, and eventually I'll be full swing again.
In this video below I'm dressed like my mom. Check out the photos I recreated here.
Skating with William.
Well, it's been just about 6 months since my mom passed away (March 11th will mark 6m). I can't believe how fast it's gone. I still hurt so much. I miss her all the time. I decided to finally get around to this photo idea today.
I grew up seeing these old polaroids of my mom. She's about 17 years old in these images. It's about 1980. She rocked her natural blonde hair, mauve lips and blue eyeshadow. Fast forward to 2022 and I'm 39 and hoping to recreate the look.
I really wanted to take polaroids of myself, but the polaroid camera i bought to do this project was producing some really awful quality images. I'll show the "best" quality shot I got using it. I'm not pleased with the Polaroid company. My mom's photos from way back are much better quality, plus they haven't been treated gingerly. They've been in albums, in boxes, in purses, and passed around. They've held up. These are even scanned copies of her polaroids and they look better. What the hell happened to Polaroid?
Well, back to mom...
I was going through a lot of old family photos when mom passed away last September when I thought it'd be really fun to recreate a couple shots of her. So late September, a couple weeks after mom died, a few days before her funeral I went looking for a flannel and white tank top that'd come close to what she was wearing. But my hair wasn't light enough yet. It still needed a couple more sessions to get it blonde enough to do these photos.
The dreamin pillow in the background on the red chair and the crocheted blanket are special to me, too. The pillow was made from one of my mom's night shirts, and the blanket was crocheted her grandmother, my great grandma. The table next to the chair belonged to my grandma, my mom's mom.
Mom's old polaroids take me back to her bedroom. I remember when there was blue carpet still as a little kid. I remember hanging out listening to my mom's records in this room. I remember the white and blue curtains hanging up. I was pretty tiny then to be able to recall some of the thing about her old childhood bedroom. When I was still pretty young in the late 80s the bedroom changed when my aunt moved into it, so that my grandparents could have a spare room in the house.
I just can recall looking at photos of my mom as a teenager, not just these images, but these were ones I loved to look at when I was a kid. I remember her telling stories about meeting my dad and how head over heels in love they were as kids. She'd tell me stories about driving around listening to music with her friends. She'd share her favorite records with me. I was just a little girl, but it made me feel excited about being a teenager one day. She just seemed so cool to me as I'd listen to her talk or watch her putting on her makeup and curling her hair with hot rollers.
Let's get to the photos and continue the story later in this post....
Oh and that sleepy dog in the photos with me, he's the best fur baby a family could ever dream up. :)
This next bit is to continue on the story about mom and her makeup. It's copied from a Facebook post I wrote back on 2/23/17. (Here's the link to videos doing makeup with her.)I was into selling LipSense at the time and I've always loved doing my own hair and makeup because of learning from my mom. Which I'm pretty certain at this point will get passed down as a pastime to my daughters.
(Clara and I 2017 link > ) They love watching me do my hair and makeup and always want to join in and try to do their own, even my two year old. I often think about mom when I turn on my music and start to do my hair and makeup, but especially now, since she's gone, as I see my own daughters watching me. God, I miss her so much.
"My mom went back to WA Tuesday evening. I miss her so much. I took a couple of photos of us together. I thought I would share one with all of you. We had fun playing with LipSense while she was here. She is so supportive of me investing in this business, and she refused to let me gift her anything or discount anything, she bought a kit and two extra colors, and a pearl gloss. She loves the product.
When when we went shopping she told people I sold it, and I handed out a lot of cards. She will talk to anyone. In fact, when I was around 10 she sold Avon. I remember making the goodie bags with her. We would put catalogs in a plastic bag with lipstick samples. I remember just hundreds of these little lipstick samples spread out across the table as we sorted through them and dropped them one by one into bags, and I remember smelling the catalogs because there were perfume sheets in them. Then we would drive around door to door giving them to people, leaving them hanging on doors, and then going with her to deliver orders. I had fun with her doing that, and I remember feeling proud of her. These type of businesses are so good for women, and I love how empowering it can be. From my experience, it's so good for moms, like her, like me. I feel good being a part of the Senegence company.
Some of my favorite memories of my mom are watching her do her makeup. I can remember even being so little, probably like kindergarten, maybe even smaller and laying on her bed on my belly, my face propped up in my hands watching her put on blue eyeshadow, which she had since high school, by that point it was probably 6 years old, and then a few years later she gave it to me. There wasn't much left in the eyeshadow compact, but it was her favorite, and she didn't use it much, she wanted to keep the color. I felt so special when she gave me that. (This was the 80s, so you can imagine it was pretty blue lol). I held onto it for a long time too, Many years, past my high school years.
You create memories with makeup, there are passing fads, there are friends, mom and daughter bonds, tips and tricks that get passed down generation to generation, and that is what makeup should be about; fun, expression, creating memories, and feeling good. Let makeup be an extension of who you are, not cover up who you are.
I love you mom. Thank you for doing everything you could for us kids. Thank you for being a fun and loving grandma to my children."
These are the photos from the shoot I took of her and I.
Stella turned two and we threw her a Unicorn theme party. These are the photos from our family shoot on 2/19/22. The girls really had fun wearing makeup and sparkly face stickers. I felt like I got to let my inner kid out a bit. Jack let me put some colored mascara in his beard, brows, and hairline, so it was fun that the got into it, too. The girls really add a lot of fairytale magic in our daily lives and I'm filled to the brim with love and joy for these two princesses.
Check out Stella's 2nd bday!
Check out Stella's first bday photoshoot!
Dancing and Makeup
The family went skating tonight. I love seeing them all get out on the floor. Wishin' my toe was better. It's really painful and challenging to skate with a broken toe. I'm supposed to be off of my feet.
My toe's been broken since October. I have skated like 3x. I don't think I can keep doin it. I guess I just need more time to heal. Honestly, since having the c bug I haven't been able to get well and recover from any illness, not jsut this broken toe. Multiple infections and colds since August. It's been a rocky road since the beer bug invaded our lives.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I was actually super grateful and happy to get out to the rink tonight and spend time with the kids and Jack. I can't wait to see these kids get more into it. The girls will be experts on wheels in no time.