Exhaustion, Letting Go, and Acceptance

*37 weeks with Clara, 4 days prior to giving birth.

I want to write about how third trimester has been going. I want to track things better. I just haven't been able to. The last couple of months have been especially filled with a whirlwind of emotions, physical pain, and lack of sleep. I would like to say things are going as I had hoped, as I had dreamed, as I have practiced for, but they are not. This pregnancy has been bittersweet. I adore being pregnant, I am in constant awe of the miracle of the life growing inside of me, my precious daughter that I am already so in love with, but the journey of this pregnancy has been filled with one struggle after another, and I am exhausted. I feel overwhelmed. I feel torn between choices to make. My mind has been running circles, while my body stays trapped and confined to my bed and the recliner, with few moments here and there that my husband usually helps me get out, but I never last more than a few minutes at a time. 

I have always been strong, independent, stubborn. I am used to pushing through fear and pain when it has flared up at times in my life. But now... now I feel like I just can't, not anymore. I am feeling like I cannot trust my body. I feel weak in more ways than one, and I feel like I have done everything to give my best, and yet, the results are that my pain has taken hold with a firm grip and I can't break away from it, and feel broken from trying so damn hard to fix it, to make things better. 

I have dreamt of this pregnancy for so long,and I had a vision in my my heart for it, how I thought it would be. Not once did I even consider it could be the way it has before conceiving my daughter. There is a light though in all the anxiety, frustration, and sadness I feel. This body that has let me down many times before, and so much over the last 9 months, has still been capable of nourishing and growing a healthy baby. It is not letting down my baby girl. It is taking care of her, and I find the gratitude for this body, my body, for its abilities from this perspective. My little girl, she bounces and dances around in my womb, always letting me know she is there. She reacts to stories, songs, her daddy's and big brother's voices. I feel her energy, her life, her presence, every single day, and it is the light in all this. 

As a mom and a woman, I know the pressures of self-guilting, those nagging voices that tell me I am not good enough, those pesky, negative thoughts that rise up when I am challenged. I know you know what I mean. They have become so thick and heavy that recently it made it so difficult to hear my own inner voice, the one that is my truth, the one that comes from heart, gut, from God.  I have doubted, fretted, cried, been angry, felt helpless. I have pushed to do more, push myself to keep fighting back, then one day it felt like I couldn't anymore. 

That voice told me I am broken, but I am not broken. I am a fighter and a survivor of many experiences I have lived through. I am able to find joy and beauty in a world that constantly wants to throw hatred and negativity. I am not broken. I have illnesses, yes, but that doesn't mean I am weak, a quitter, or unworthy. It sometimes means I have to make tough choices that are not always in line with my wants and hopes, so I need to give time to  working on letting acceptance and love for myself and my journey support me, and to start kicking out the fearful, anxiety ridden voices that have left me conflicted the last few weeks of this pregnancy, well months. The point is, this is my journey, and I can choose what I need to do, and I can guide any choice I make, no matter how difficult it might be into a peaceful and joyful experience. I am more than an illness. I can still choose joy, even when I feel like I am grieving, and I can experience both in the same breath, because I am versatile, adaptable, a woman, a mother, and a human being. I am not weak, and I do not deserve the fear and guilt I have recently been experiencing.

So today, I decided to play with my camera. I did some blurred, out of focus images to vent the feeling of being out of focus, to let go of the heaviness I feel, and though they are simple images, they helped me to release just a little more, helped me to express a little of the way I have felt, but mostly it just let me create something, and that always feels good. I needed a break from relentless mixed emotions, the pain, and I just needed to put it in a simple image, although I have other ideas, it just doesn't need to be more than what it is at this moment, I needed simple release. It's one of many reasons I love photography. It is healing. I didn't need to complicate my message in these shots. I just needed to let go for a bit. 

​On a side note from all this, I am filled with love and gratitude for my husband, and his love and support, for my friend and doula, and my midwives. The love and support from these amazing people in my life are forever a part of my story with this pregnancy and soon to be birth of my daughter. I can't imagine this chapter of my life without them, and I am so thankful for each of them. 

Read More about the Pregnancy: ​http://www.allisonattitude.com/blog/second-trimester-recap

First Trimester Recap:​http://www.allisonattitude.com/blog/first-trimester-a-recap

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