December 14 I was 30.3 weeks pregnant with baby 3. I decided I better get some maternity photos done, just in case, because the clock is tickin. I had planned to take so many photos this pregnancy. I wanted to document it weekly, and all the cute maternity outfits I got. I thought I'd fill up my instagram feed with cute maternity pics and make a whole album just for this little one to print out. I thought our family would make fun and silly videos just lie we did with Clara when I was pregnant with her, but HG had its way with me, so the most of any documenting I did has been about HG.
Jack put up the backdrop in the living room for me. I got my nails done, and put on the dress I had bought for the Redwoods. We had planned to take a trip over the summer to the Redwoods, but it never could happen. Between HG and needing to have home health care.
So HG aside, after doing my hair, makeup, and nails, I was already tired, and knew being on my feet long wasn't going to happen. We snapped a few pics with the tripod and tier. Clara participated a bit better than I anticipated. When Jack and I tried to get shots of him and I together, she got a hold of a marker and decided to draw all over her legs, and I didn't edit it out. It's life with a 3 yo. Oh well.
Clara absolutely adores my belly. She hugs and kisses it every single day. She talks to the baby, and runs around saying how much she loves the baby in my belly. She gives my belly raspberries and squeezes it. She Likes to bring the baby dollies and toys. I can't wait to see her be a big sister. She's already such a sweet big sister.
William has been spending more time at his dad's place, so he isn't around much between school, after school activities, friends, and being at his dad's, and to boot, he really doesn't want to be in photos. He promised me one pic with him before the baby comes. He's changing so much, and at 15 he really asserts its own will. He grew up with my camera in his face and really just isn't a fan of being in pics anymore. It's hard to get decent pics of him. But there are moments he lets me. So hopefully soon I'll be able to get a picture of him and I together.
To see my documentation of Hyperemesis Gravidarum during this pregnancy, here.
To see all maternity pics through the years, To scroll through other blogs and be sure to click previous at the end of each page as you scroll, it's easy to miss the previous arrows:
See all Maternity pics here
See all pregnancy blogs here
Finally out of 2nd trimester! Still dealing with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. That's a picc line in my arm. Can't wait to be done with pregnancy.
Comparison of Clara @27 weeks and baby 3 currently I got so big with Clara. HG has definitely kept me smaller this pregnancy. Overall with Clara I gained abut 60 lbs. By 27 weeks with baby 3 I gained only 12 lbs, and was only at 4lbs weight gain by week 25. My picc line ha helped a lot.
Outdoor shots and a coupe Halloween Boudoir
Nips blocked by spider overlays for the sensitive, not that it does much lol
To see all maternity pics through the last coupe pregnancies, here
For reference and comparison. I was already bigger at 18 weeks with Clara. At 18 weeks with Clara my HG had finally stopped. To9 read about Hyperemesis gravidarum, here
To catch up on all pregnancy blogs, here
To see all maternity pics from both pregnancies and scroll through, here
Pain to Art Photo Concept
Pain to Art Photo Concept
A bad dream the night before my PICC line was removed inspired me to take a haunting image of what it feels like to not have fluids with Hyperemesis Gravidarum.
Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2019, I had a dream during the one hour of sleep I got that night. It was the night before my PICC line was scheduled to come out. I was so depressed, so anxiety-ridden. I felt like I already had no control over my body, and now I had no say over what happens to it either. My doctor chose to remove my PICC line due to risk of liability and that I needed to try harder to get more fluids in on my own and to stop bypassing my gut.
Those of us with HG, Hyperemesis Gravidarum know that getting fluids down and keeping them down on our own is incredibly difficult, and very unlikely to happen once HG gets to a certain point. I have struggled with HG for two pregnancies. This one has been the worst by far. For 15 weeks of the 20 weeks of this pregnancy, I haven’t been able to stomach fluids and most food. Having a PICC line was a lifeline, it was hope, it helped me feel somewhat like myself again, and kept my body capable of being in the fight against HG.
10 days without my PICC line I was throwing up all the time again, not keeping a thing down, and had lost 7 bs. My doctor still refused fluids. I ended up in the ER last night getting fluids because of that. This isn’t about hating on my dr. I still like her and think that she’s a good doc in lots of other ways, and she’s a fantastic surgeon. However, I have felt so let down, so depressed, and so desperate for fluids. It’s hard when you want your dr on your side and feel unheard.
HG is not understood by many, including doctors. We’re 1-2% of the pregnant population. We fight through every day.
This photo, imitated as closely as I could to the vision from my dream that night, says so much to me. I cannot drink. I’m so very thirsty all the time. I’m continually doing what I can to fight nausea and urges to throw up. I don’t get say in how I can get fluids. I can’t control what is happening to my body. I’m totally out of control, it’s entirely out of my hands. I’m doing my best. I sip, I suck on ice cubes, and I just can’t quench the thirst or stop the vomiting. I could be surrounded by all the water and not be able to get to it, unable to get it down.
Catch up on all blogs about Hyperemesis Gravidarum
To see all the pics and blog from this outing, go here.
I want to write about how third trimester has been going. I want to track things better. I just haven't been able to. The last couple of months have been especially filled with a whirlwind of emotions, physical pain, and lack of sleep. I would like to say things are going as I had hoped, as I had dreamed, as I have practiced for, but they are not. This pregnancy has been bittersweet. I adore being pregnant, I am in constant awe of the miracle of the life growing inside of me, my precious daughter that I am already so in love with, but the journey of this pregnancy has been filled with one struggle after another, and I am exhausted. I feel overwhelmed. I feel torn between choices to make. My mind has been running circles, while my body stays trapped and confined to my bed and the recliner, with few moments here and there that my husband usually helps me get out, but I never last more than a few minutes at a time.
I have always been strong, independent, stubborn. I am used to pushing through fear and pain when it has flared up at times in my life. But now... now I feel like I just can't, not anymore. I am feeling like I cannot trust my body. I feel weak in more ways than one, and I feel like I have done everything to give my best, and yet, the results are that my pain has taken hold with a firm grip and I can't break away from it, and feel broken from trying so damn hard to fix it, to make things better.
I have dreamt of this pregnancy for so long,and I had a vision in my my heart for it, how I thought it would be. Not once did I even consider it could be the way it has before conceiving my daughter. There is a light though in all the anxiety, frustration, and sadness I feel. This body that has let me down many times before, and so much over the last 9 months, has still been capable of nourishing and growing a healthy baby. It is not letting down my baby girl. It is taking care of her, and I find the gratitude for this body, my body, for its abilities from this perspective. My little girl, she bounces and dances around in my womb, always letting me know she is there. She reacts to stories, songs, her daddy's and big brother's voices. I feel her energy, her life, her presence, every single day, and it is the light in all this.
As a mom and a woman, I know the pressures of self-guilting, those nagging voices that tell me I am not good enough, those pesky, negative thoughts that rise up when I am challenged. I know you know what I mean. They have become so thick and heavy that recently it made it so difficult to hear my own inner voice, the one that is my truth, the one that comes from heart, gut, from God. I have doubted, fretted, cried, been angry, felt helpless. I have pushed to do more, push myself to keep fighting back, then one day it felt like I couldn't anymore.
That voice told me I am broken, but I am not broken. I am a fighter and a survivor of many experiences I have lived through. I am able to find joy and beauty in a world that constantly wants to throw hatred and negativity. I am not broken. I have illnesses, yes, but that doesn't mean I am weak, a quitter, or unworthy. It sometimes means I have to make tough choices that are not always in line with my wants and hopes, so I need to give time to working on letting acceptance and love for myself and my journey support me, and to start kicking out the fearful, anxiety ridden voices that have left me conflicted the last few weeks of this pregnancy, well months. The point is, this is my journey, and I can choose what I need to do, and I can guide any choice I make, no matter how difficult it might be into a peaceful and joyful experience. I am more than an illness. I can still choose joy, even when I feel like I am grieving, and I can experience both in the same breath, because I am versatile, adaptable, a woman, a mother, and a human being. I am not weak, and I do not deserve the fear and guilt I have recently been experiencing.
So today, I decided to play with my camera. I did some blurred, out of focus images to vent the feeling of being out of focus, to let go of the heaviness I feel, and though they are simple images, they helped me to release just a little more, helped me to express a little of the way I have felt, but mostly it just let me create something, and that always feels good. I needed a break from relentless mixed emotions, the pain, and I just needed to put it in a simple image, although I have other ideas, it just doesn't need to be more than what it is at this moment, I needed simple release. It's one of many reasons I love photography. It is healing. I didn't need to complicate my message in these shots. I just needed to let go for a bit.
On a side note from all this, I am filled with love and gratitude for my husband, and his love and support, for my friend and doula, and my midwives. The love and support from these amazing people in my life are forever a part of my story with this pregnancy and soon to be birth of my daughter. I can't imagine this chapter of my life without them, and I am so thankful for each of them.
Read More about the Pregnancy: http://www.allisonattitude.com/blog/second-trimester-recap
First Trimester Recap:http://www.allisonattitude.com/blog/first-trimester-a-recap
Mother's Day 2016 Gallery